Hi John,
Thank you for allowing me to read Sunrise Murder. It was a fast and very enjoyable read.

My review follows. I have tried to be objective and very tough. Every response is subjective, and you may of course reject any or all of my comments.

On the file itself I have made many spontaneous marginal comments that you can see in edit tracker. I have also highlighted in gray the text that I would delete. Once again, these are the opinions of just one person who reads the book without having any advance preconception (book jacket, reviews, etc.).

STRENGTHS

1. This is essentially a memoir written by a rookie detective who is handed her first big case. The book is about Susan and her journey as she experiences the case and the realities of detective work. That?s the main theme of the book and the inclusion of anything that is at variance with this theme needs to be considered very carefully. The reader gets into Susan?s head and her life, and we “root” for her, as we should.

2. The book is populated by believable and resonant characters. They are treated as real human beings and you do not stoop to inventing cheap caricatures. For that the reader is very grateful.

3. The sense of place is very good. We get a good feel for the town of Middleton. Your grasp of the teenage milieu is very good, as well as your observation that teens are cheerful and adept liars.

4. We also get a very good feel for the politics of a police department. This is part of the memoir aspect of the book, and you effectively show us how Susan navigates her way among the various characters she meets and the pitfalls of the office.

5. You write very well and with authority. You know how to turn a good phrase and the book is fun to read. Grammar and clarity are very good.

6. Having venal rich people – the Messing clan and Nathan Winter – is always a reliable trope.

7. I assume you have carefully researched or have first hand knowledge of police and medical examiner procedures. It all seems authentic, but the police procedural market is very demanding.

LIABILITIES

1. The plot is standard and not much different from an episode of Law & Order if it were set in a small town. But since the emphasis is kept on character (Susan’s journey) the plot is perhaps less important. When a book is really great, you don’t care as much about plot because the words carry you along. But you must avoid literary cleverness for its own sake, which becomes tiresome.

2. The point of view of the book is first person present: Susan’s. Therefore you, the author, cannot arbitrarily insert yourself and provide information that Susan doesn’t know. It?s a lazy device that confuses the reader. If you choose first person, you must stick with it and find ways of revealing information to the reader through Susan’s eyes. You must identify the source of the information. All the material about peoples’ past lives is not particularly relevant. You need to reveal character through actions.

3. Larry is too good to be true, and seems a bit like a Ken doll. The reader assumes that Susan and Larry will get together, but there is no impediment and no conflict between them. He is a chick magnet. But what does this mean, to both him and to Susan?

4. And then Bryan shows up at 29,700 words. The affair is handled quite well and I believed Susan’s initial dislike for Shaved Head, and then her heart changed. So far so good. But then Bryan is arbitrarily killed in the line of duty! This tells us that plot doesn’t matter and that this book is a memoir about the risks and horrors of police work. OK – if it’s a novel and not a mystery, then stick to it.

5. The confession of Ralph Zajac is arbitrary and too neat. Was there any evidence? How could this amateur disembowel a man and then just walk away? And I do not believe Susan’s sudden ability to pinpoint him as the murderer, nor do I believe that Susan decides that Ralph deserves to walk away from his brutal crime without being arrested and tried.

6. The prologue with Watkins and his dog is pointless and confusing. And the fact that Watkins’s daughter died should not make Susan immediately say, “Oh, well then he couldn’t possibly be the killer of Amber.” Why not? We need less intuition and more evidence. Unless (there is always an “unless”) you deliberately choose to make Susan an intuitive detective who can “read” people with uncanny ability. But I would advise against this strategy because her actions will always seem arbitrary. The classic detective – Sherlock Holmes, etc. – is the person who can see and appreciate those tiny clues that ordinary cops overlook.

7. As noted in the margin, the leak of the Winter crime scene photos to the press is pointless because it doesn?t lead to anything.

8. When I was reading the very last chapter about the raid on the two pimps on the Turnpike, I lost interest. The big problem is this: when was the last time you read an actual news story about a SWAT team staging an armed assault on a motel in search of two pimps? Probably never. It does not ring true. And when it was revealed that one of the dead pimps had shot Bryan, and therefore justice was done, I understood why you included the scene… but I still think it’s gratuitous.

My suggestion is that you decide on your main themes and stick to them. In my opinion the main themes of the book are, in this order:

1. Susan?s coming of age as a rookie detective. Her humanity vs. the hard reality of the job. What is her unique strength? What will make the reader say, “She’s someone special whom I care about?”

2. The teen subculture of recreational drugs and their evasion of the adult world.

3. Rich folks hiding their crimes (a bit of a cliche, however – this theme is common).

4. The genteel wealthy side of Middleton vs. the gritty underbelly.

You must ask – and answer – these two questions: How will a publisher market my book? And who is going to read my book – and why?

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your marvelous work!

– Thomas Hauck is a leading freelance book editor and ghostwriter serving authors of both fiction and non-fiction. For your free consultation, contact Thomas today.